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Calling The Crisis Hotline Because No One Will Wipe Your Butthole

Tonight’s episode is an absolute endurance test for the human soul, featuring poop-stained underwear, unwanted love confessions, suicidal diaper tantrums, and a man willing to murder over a Pepsi. Strap in.
On Today’s Show:
The Epstein Files DumpMillions of pages released, including emails that suggest even Jeffrey Epstein wanted nothing to do with Elon Musk. When Epstein ghosts you, it might be time for some self-reflection.
“It’s Just a Fun Thing” Guy EscalatesTim’s blind poop-fetish stalker returns with more voicemails, more longing, and more reasons to fear becoming a captive shit slave.
Sagittarius Shouty Returns 🇨🇦Canada’s angriest prostitute recounts a disastrous booking involving:
A mystery-smelling client
Aggressive gumdrop biting
Repeated “I love you” declarations
And a horrifying discovery: a visible poop stain in the man’s underwear(No showers were harmed in the making of this nightmare.)
Diaper Freak Andy Ditch Melts DownThe adult baby autism faker is back, calling crisis services nonstop because:
No one will touch his butthole
He claims he can’t eat, drink, cross streets, or survive
Crisis counselors increasingly stop pretending to care
Police become the ultimate threatA masterclass in fetishized helplessness and wasted public resources.
Missouri Man Threatens Murder Over a Pepsi 🥤A 47-year-old allegedly attempts to force his way into a woman’s bedroom, demanding Pepsi by name and threatening to kill her and her son when denied. His mother eventually retrieves a Pepsi for him. Justice is imperfect.
Science Says Gooning Is FineNew research finds that watching porn isn’t inherently harmful — unless you’re already a deeply troubled weirdo blaming demons, spirits, and porn for why you’re gay.
Christian Porn Trauma RevisitedA familiar religious nut explains how porn “made him” sleep with men, invoking Ted Bundy, spirits, and wax stuff along the way.
Voicemails from the Freaks ☎️
Ideas for trolling the poop fetishist
Anonymous animal-shit mailing services
Creepy childhood Christian school stories
Scaly missionary heads
A reminder that Unshackled absolutely ruled
Plus:
Updates on Sideshow membership, including:
New distortedview.com features
Soundboards
Web players
Yearly podcast archive feeds (2004–2008 now live, more coming soon)
💀 This episode contains:Poop stains, diaper rashes, unwanted love, suicidal manipulation, soda-based rage, religious psychosis, porn science, and Tim seriously reconsidering ever answering his phone again.
👉 Support the show:Sign up at distortedview.com for exclusive episodes, archives, and premium freak access.
Spread the distortion. STD.

God Says You’re Fat — Now Hand Me Your Bank Account

On today’s Distorted View Daily, Tim wraps up the week with miracle weight loss scams, fake deafness during an arrest, redneck Jesus fan fiction, and a man dressed as a duck turning public transit into a soggy breakfast nightmare.
We kick things off with Great Moments in Voicemails, featuring nuclear-grade breakup rage, wounded egos, and ex-girlfriends absolutely unloading. Romance is alive and well.
Tim shares a heartfelt update on his mom’s cancer treatment — and yes, immediately undercuts it with the usual inappropriate family humor. The good news: doctors are amazed by her recovery and she’s officially a “miracle patient.”
From there, it’s onto a sidewalk showdown between a livestreamer and a cyclist that escalates into mace threats, tasers, and stolen bikes — a perfect example of why livestreamers are the absolute worst people alive.
Next up: a prosperity gospel pastor asking his followers for $1.2 BILLION in exchange for supernatural weight loss. Jesus melts fat now, apparently. Things get darker when Tim revisits this same preacher’s arrest for allegedly running a forced labor call-center operation complete with threats, “boot camp,” starvation, and religious manipulation.
Police body cam footage delivers again when a woman accused of shoplifting at Walgreens attempts to pretend she’s deaf to avoid arrest — only to completely abandon the bit when asked to write things down.
We close out the main segment with a Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nominee: country music fan fiction that reimagines Jesus as a beer-drinking, tractor-riding Southern good ol’ boy who turns well water into ice-cold beer.
In the news:
A man dressed as a duck pours milk and cereal over himself on a Glasgow subway, shutting down service and enraging commuters
A Florida man uses fake $20 bills to buy Valentine’s gifts for a stripper, then tries to pay his bar tab with the same counterfeit cash — and gets busted with drugs on him for good measure
Plus:
Bob the poop fetish guy returns and is now aggressively clingy
Listener texts, Patreon calls, and Discord chaos
Unicorn Hamster weighs in on women, marriage, and weddings (unfortunately)
Raymond14 continues to be deeply unsettling
All that, voicemails, and more on another fully unhinged episode of Distorted View Daily.
Spread the distortion. STD.

I Found The “It's Just Fun Thing” Guy… and He’s a Full-Blown Shit Goblin

On Today's Show:
On today’s episode, Tim uncovers the long-lost origins of a classic DV sound clip, reconnects with a notorious blind poop freak from 2009, and somehow ends up negotiating preferred shit textures over the phone. Plus: Starbucks maggot macchiatos, Florida Man drives a flaming car, and Thursday Lane is once again furious about people judging men’s feet.
🎂 Birthday Chaos
Happy 40th birthday to Cum Goblin, sponsored by DV listener Leeloo
A celebration awkwardly tied to the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster anniversary
Tim explores “On This Day” history and finds… mostly death, riots, and tragedy
The most wholesome January 28th event? Bernie Sanders’ mittens raising $1.8M for charity
🎵 Music & Intros
Corey’s song “Starving for Love” opens the show
Tim reveals Tainted Broth is recording a cover of the track
The episode closes with that brand-new Tainted Broth cover
💩 “It’s Just a Fun Thing” – Origin Story
The mystery behind the iconic DV clip is finally solved
A listener in Japan tracks it back to July 12, 2009
The source: Bob — a blind YouTube commenter obsessed with listening to people shit
Tim plays the original audio that birthed the phrase “It’s just a fun thing”
☎️ Reconnecting With Bob (Yes, That Bob)
Tim successfully tracks down Bob’s current phone number
A surreal call ensues involving:
Preferred poop textures
Touch vs. smell discussions
Scheduling a future “fun thing” phone call
Bob is alive, still blind, and still very into poop
🖥️ Commodore 64 Meltdown
Tim discusses his nostalgia-fueled purchase of the Commodore 64 Ultimate
Chris Chan posts an unboxing video before Tim even gets his system
The video horrifies Commodore fans and dampens Tim’s excitement
“The Chris Chan Effect” strikes again
🚗 Angry Dad Sales Pep Talk
Audio of a furious father berating his son for not selling enough cars
Dad believes literally everyone on Earth wants a car
Includes threats involving coyotes, bears, and becoming animal shit
Tim breaks down why car sales are not, in fact, “simple”
👣 Thursday Lane Returns
Thursday Lane rants about people judging men (and trans men) by their looks
Especially upset about:
Dirty feet
Clean feet
Fingernails
Declares this the real civil rights issue of our time
☕ Starbucks Maggot Macchiatos
Former Starbucks VP files a lawsuit over safety concerns
Allegedly found maggots breeding inside a milk dispenser during a demo
Claims retaliation and gender discrimination after reporting the issue
Starbucks denies allegations; Siren system rollout largely paused
🔥 Florida Man of the Week
Florida man drives a car actively on fire down Highway 192
Allegedly intoxicated, refused DUI testing
Fire spreads from the moving vehicle, igniting brush fires
Somehow survives; now faces DUI charges
📱 Texts & Voicemails
Freaks weigh in on Commodore 64 delays
Multiple listeners correctly remember the “It’s just a fun thing” origin
Voicemails include:
Mead Skelton conspiracy theories
Android vs. Apple drama
Vocal tic hypotheticals and jingle obsessions
💀 Final Thoughts
Poop freaks never die, they just change phone numbers
Florida continues to Florida
Starbucks may or may not be feeding you protein larvae
And yes… sometimes it really is just a fun thing

Ode to the Tight-Bootied Homos

On today’s show:
Ode to the Tight-Bootied Homos – Pastor Manning invents yet another slur while explaining gentrification, Black politics, Obama’s alleged sex life, and why God wants everyone dead
Texas congressional candidate promises mosque-to-toilet conversions – Turning places of worship into public restrooms, banning halal, and declaring hijabs “bomb concealers”
Former Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda goes nuclear – An all-time unhinged rant featuring limousines, batting averages, and many, many cocksuckers
School bus driver busted for banging a prostitute – Dover, Delaware man allegedly pays for sex on a school bus near a church, because of course
Florida teen arrested in pork chop assault – Domestic dispute escalates to a slap and a flying piece of meat
Streamer Licari fallout continues – Porn addiction rehab, Twitch bans, and a very carefully worded non-apology
Racist streamer piles on – Reminds everyone to “check your primes,” but only if they’re not supporting certain kinds of pedophiles
Frankie McDonald drops a snowstorm warning – Shouts out Ohio while reminding everyone to wear winter gear… and go for walks?
New mildly-retarded weatherman emerges – GB the Weatherman brings professionalism, a speech impediment, and yellow-teeth rage
Pastor Manning vs. Al Sharpton – Semen lattes, long-legged Mac Daddies, and why Manning should’ve been mayor of New York
VR Chat insanity – Proximity Chat accused of stalking, stabbing, murder, and possibly being armed; police allegedly “tracking” him via GPS
First Amendment VR auditor fantasy – Because nothing says freedom like screaming at anime avatars near virtual trees
Food-based violence roundup – Pork chops, taco plates, beef tubes, and Florida’s proud tradition of edible weapons
Voicemails & texts – Dating on Demand deep lore, “it’s just a fun thing,” Sextastic Tuesday headaches, and candle mix-ups involving prolapsed assholes
Support the show – Sideshow exclusives, Patreon perks, episode sponsorships, and why Spotify is a pain in Tim’s ass
Plus:Snowstorms, nosebleeds, dog-washing disasters, racist grifters, VR families falling apart, and yet another reminder that Florida is our most fucked-up state.

Lolicon Loving Livestreamer Busted / Faking an Orgasm During an Arrest

On Today's Show:
Intro & Teasers: Live streamer exposed as pedo; Grow your pubic bush for confidence (ancient Chinese secret); Faking orgasm during arrest; Setting people on fire for stolen thoughts.
Great Moments in 911: 11-year-old kid calls about dogs stuck mating; Dispatcher explains biology and suggests spaying/neutering.
Live Stream Drama: Streamer Lakari accidentally leaks notepad with lolicon, child porn, and bestiality links. Old clips show him admitting to liking "lollies." He blames a virus or friend Mizkiv (who threatens lawsuit). Panics about Texas laws, talks deleting hard drives (3TB of hentai). Moderators quit; Audience trolls with TTS "pedophile" donations. Updates promised.
Will Blunderfield Update: Gay antics include calling pubic hair "wee-wee fur" for bravery (Chinese medicine). Smells his "population paste" (semen); Rubs it in as cologne to attract women. Masturbation called a "ritual."
Police Body Cam Footage: Drunk woman crashes into magnolia tree, flees. Arrested, she's combative, flirty, fakes orgasm moans, tries kissing cop. Kicks in cruiser. Charged with DUI, etc., but most dropped after traffic school (rich privilege?).
Sideshow Promo: Support DV via distortedview.com (monthly to lifetime plans), Spotify/Apple Podcasts. Access exclusive feed. Patreon ($5+ for voicemail priority), episode sponsorships ($25+ via PayPal).
News Stories:
Tacoma: Andrew Cole Keane stabs 3 roommates, sets fires in sober home, accusing them of stealing his "thoughts and emotions." Victims burned/stabbed; Keane arrested, $1M bail.
Florida: Austin Simmons throws open ketchup packet at man checking on him (passed out). Felony battery due to prior; Cocaine found. Up to 5 years possible.
4HarryCunt Texts: Mead's sad AI-generated "girlfriend" pic (ratty shirt vs. her fancy dress). Comments mock AI shadows. Suggestion for Tim on Cameo (declined; prefers sponsorships).
Voicemails:
Davide: Thanks for tech help switching to Android/Sideshow (blames Greg from Austin).
Lee Stassel: Tim's desensitized to egg-in-dick video; Asks what still shocks him (maybe dead animal guts?).
Bunny: Full-circle with Bad Dragon dildo (cum lube squirter) bought by furry fuck buddy. Inspired by old DV segments; Breeding kink tease.
Episode ends with sign-off. Support the show! distortedview.com

Frozen Cum Facials and a Saber-Toothed Twat

Spunk cubes. Vagina teeth. Prism paranoia. Just another calm Wednesday.
On today’s episode:
A deranged Coast to Coast AM clip featuring Heavy Bird Jason, driveway heat systems, Hoover threats, and a host bravely nodding through total nonsense
Prisms exposed as a possible government mind-control rainbow experiment contaminating our water, air, sun, and possibly your butthole
TLC’s My Strange Addiction officially jumps the shark with daily semen facials, frozen “noobs” (nut + ice cubes), and freezer-stored baby batter
A cosmetologist explains why three ounces of jizz a day is essential for glowing skin (science disagrees)
Friends react in horror after discovering they’re rubbing another woman’s boyfriend’s frozen semen on their faces
Preview of the next addiction: pheromone rubbing in coffee shops to repel strangers at record speed
A woman attempts to return pizzas she already ate, films herself for TikTok, and is shocked this plan fails
Uber passenger refuses to exit vehicle, is tased multiple times, claims her vagina bites, and prays to Elon Musk, Trump, and JD Vance for rescue
Political slogans, simulation hacking, hobo wine confessions, and a PhD earned in “one singular year”
New sex “research” reveals women love cowgirl, men hate it, men love reverse cowgirl, women don’t—butterface theory introduced
Call for listeners to weigh in via voicemail and the 4HairyCunt text line so DV can publish its own peer-reviewed study
Alaska student arrested for eating AI-generated art in protest of artificial intelligence ruining creativity (and lunch)
Discussion of AI psychosis, fake art, fake outrage, and everything being a scam
Voicemails from Freaks covering vintage melted plastic decorations, China stingers, offended Bible readers, and cursed rainbows
Tim reflects on sponsors lost, jizz ads sung, and why putting effort into fake commercials is a terrible life choice
PLUS:Listener messages, Patreon shout-outs, Discord love, voicemail chaos, and the usual reminder that tomorrow’s episode is Sideshow-exclusive.
🎧 Support the show:Sideshow memberships, Patreon, listener sponsorships, voicemails, texts, social media, and spreading the distortion STD.

Scrambled Egg Dick Farts

On Today’s Episode:
Martin Luther King Jr. Day Madness
A deep dive into a long-lost viral clip featuring a racist white woman losing her mind on a Black mailman.
She refuses to accept her own mail, drops multiple slurs, slaps the mailman, and somehow blames him for killing Martin Luther King Jr.
Spoiler: the mailman loses his job, because of course he does.
Tim admits his own shaky grasp of MLK assassination trivia while trying to untangle this woman’s unhinged racial “theory of everything.”
Meade Skelton vs. Tim’s Mom
Meade Skelton emails Tim to explain that his homosexuality is caused by a “toxic Jezebel” mother.
The evidence? Tim’s mom once suggested a bird instead of a dog.
Tim realizes this is personal: Meade is a bird guy.
Bonus: classic clip of Tim’s mom telling a story that somehow turns into her shitting herself after an enema.
Scrambled Egg Dick Farts
A horrifying new EFUKT discovery: a man injects raw eggs into his penis, then pisses them into a frying pan.
Includes the rare and majestic eggy dick fart.
Tim goes on an egg-porn spiral featuring:
Eggs shoved into assholes and cracked internally
Sausage-and-egg shit breakfasts
A “Hungry Femboy Ass Chicken Egg Salad Stuffin’” video that ruins potlucks forever
Distorted News: Farts May Save Your Brain
Researchers at Johns Hopkins Medicine find that hydrogen sulfide (the gas that makes farts smell like rotten eggs) may slow Alzheimer’s symptoms in mice.
Lab mice exposed to the compound showed major improvements in memory and movement.
The research appears in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
Tim concludes we should all become “sniff freaks” until targeted drugs exist.
Distorted View Gives a Shit
A GoFundMe shout-out for listener David’s in-laws, whose home was destroyed in a fire while saving their infant granddaughter.
Link provided in today’s show notes. Help if you can.
Voicemails
Advice on crushing pills for sick parents
A $3,000 wedding success story vs. an $80,000 Disney wedding disaster
Tim cites a $33,000 national average wedding cost and judges everyone involved
Support the Show
Join the Distorted View Sideshow for exclusive episodes (including tomorrow’s show).
Available at distortedview.com, Spotify, Apple Podcasts.
Patreon supporters get early voicemail priority.
Listener sponsorships available for $25 via PayPal.
A holiday episode packed with racism, religion, eggs, assholes, and the medical benefits of huffing ass gas. Happy MLK Day, Freaks.

Animal Crossing: Sex Island - Shut Down!

Distorted View Daily — Friday, January 16, 2026
Sponsored by: DV Listener & birthday boy Vincent
On Today’s Show
City Council insanity erupts over sex ed, AIDS panic, and a 56-year-old “technically” virgin oversharing at the microphone.
Birthday chaos for Vincent as Tim loses the birthday instrumental and accidentally stumbles into 1980s HBO feature presentation music, forcing an improvised “happy motherf***ing birthday.”
Alexis K. Tyler meltdown: Alexis posts a warning saying if she’s harmed or killed, blame her son. What follows is restraining orders, stolen jewelry claims, name confusion, and the pettiest DV domestic dispute ever — her son allegedly spitting Doritos in her face.
Mead Skelton returns with fitness advice that derails into witchcraft curses, rat infestations, broken appliances, and blaming “liberal rats” while living off daddy.
Relationship from hell: A man breaks up with his girlfriend, drives her 80 miles home, and she repays him by grabbing the steering wheel at 72 MPH. Police, restraining orders, and peak DV dating advice follow.
Tony Chase update: Still negotiating with China over his “rice planting system,” demanding Treasury money, and claiming enemies are stealing his pizza, fish, muffin, and stir-fry empires.
Florida delivers again: A Fort Walton Beach massage parlor employee allegedly attacks a health inspector and then tries to avoid arrest by defecating toward police officers.
Nintendo shuts it down: After five years, Nintendo deletes a notorious Animal Crossing adult brothel island, complete with love hotels, red-light district vibes, and horny raccoons.
Vincent’s Top Songs: Tim counts down his favorite DV originals, including China, China, Nothing Finer, the Trump Rally song, Sextastic Tuesday classics, and more.
Texts & Voicemails: Sniffies talk, pill-crushing medical advice, TellMe phone-line nostalgia, ICE porn ideas, ChatGPT personality settings, men’s concealer discourse, and relationship questions about Tim & Lord Douche.
DV Housekeeping
Merch store closing for the season — last weekend to order20% off $50+ with code: AIDS👉 shop.distortedview.com
Sideshow memberships available (monthly → lifetime)
Sponsor a show: PayPal $25+ to show@distortedview.com
Patreon: $5 tier gets priority voicemail access
Spread the distortion. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Voicemail: 206-666-4463