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The Ancient Black Men Who Colonized Mars

On Today's Show:
Cold Open: Frank’s Mom Has Had EnoughDomestic opera: “You’re my cross, you’re my misery.”
Housekeeping / Sponsor Reads
Adam & Eve: code FREAK
Listener sponsor: Cabana Guy (requests an Insensitive Reenactment)
POV: Trying to Talk to People in 2025
TikTok sketch from @GuyFieriWhore: weaponized “Um,” whisper-talking, and fear of cringe.
Public Pervert Doesn’t Care He’s Filmed
“My name is Christopher Torres, and I took a picture of this lady’s behind.”
Legal ≠ moral; Tim hates it but also points out: you’re in public, and TikTok clapbacks are fair play.
Fake Disorders → Real Murder (DID Edition)
Interrogation highlights from Kiara/Kiera McCauley (22): multiple “alters,” a two-handed sword, a “hit list,” and a guilty plea for the near-decapitation of ex Grace Jennings; plea deal to testify against Isaac.
Game: Drugged or Electrocuted
Audio guessing game; answer: drugged (speculation ranges from fentanyl to “Flocka”).
Jesse Lee Peterson vs. Dr. David Imhotep (The Fallen State)
JLP: “If blacks were first, why are they so screwed up?”
Dr. D: “Pyramids on Mars.”
Tim: “How’d they get there?” + Richard Hoagland sidebar.
Eleven minutes of jaw-dropping TV.
News Quickies
Florida: Woman chokes mom, grabs brother’s crotch during PS4 game dispute; convicted of domestic battery by strangulation + battery.
UK: Vascular surgeon Neil Hopper freezes his own legs for amputation, lies to insurers (≈£466k), and collects extreme porn; jailed.
Insensitive Reenactment (Classic Request for Cabana Guy)
2008: Two teen girls sunbathe on train tracks → amputations; the segment that LazyPillow/LazyBoy famously animated and that funneled many heathens into DV.

The Complete Encyclopedia of Male Queefs

Today on the Show:
Don’t mess with the Princess of Darkness—or her DID altars.
A brand-new batch of dick queef (penis fart) audio research.
Tourette’s TikTokers explain the delicate art of getting pierced mid-tic.
A first date in Florida goes south when a sniff freak tries to run over his date after she won’t let him smell her feet.
Plus: VRChat family roleplayers clash with Proximity Chat, Stephen Dawson AI laughs like Steve Urkel, and more listener-sponsored insanity.
Segments & Highlights
🎧 Proximity Chat vs. VR Families
Chaos erupts when VRChat roleplayers claim parental rights over virtual children.
DID, altars, and even the “Princess of Hell” join the argument.
Tim dissects the absurd drama of protecting your “son” in a fake metaverse household.
💨 The Science of Dick Queefs
Tim proudly continues his field research into the male equivalent of queefing.
From bike pumps to enema bulbs, penis fart variations are catalogued.
Meth smoke queefs = not healthy. Could this be the start of the Henson Puff era?
🤯 Neo-Pronouns, Tics & Piercings
An influencer proudly uses Z/Zer and It/Its pronouns because “they sound cool.”
Fake Tourette’s ticks conveniently vanish—except during TikTok recordings.
Piercers allegedly work “around the tics” to avoid stabbing an eyeball. Sure, Jan.
🎤 Linda Finkel Hall of Fame
A live performance of screamo-rap-Tourette’s fusion earns a place in the Hall.
Audience members may be entitled to compensation.
🛒 Kroger’s Patriotic Alternatives
Raccoon strips, TinaFed, Tweaker’s Choice speedoxin, and Dr. Crystal’s homeopathic crank.
Corn-based everything: dentures, wigs, lingerie, and reusable cob wipes.
🌎 News From the Edge
🚗 Florida: Sniff freak runs over date after failed foot fetish proposal.
✂️ New York: Brazilian wax client freaks out when esthetician wears Meta smart glasses.
😂 Dawson Corner
Listener sponsor Brit of a Cunt demands British-centric content.
AI Stephen Dawson tries to replicate his infamous laugh.
Real Stephen Dawson laugh compilation proves why the man is legend.
Bonus update: UK pacifier thief returns, now harassing women for pre-sucked dummies.
Listener Voicemails
Shit spectrum: Tim’s hemorrhoid-shredding hard turds vs. campers with parasite-induced watery shits.
Puerto Rican stereotypes, old Toyotas with fancy rims, and wiping tips.
Tim overshares about stool softeners and ass blood (you’re welcome).
💸 Sponsor: Today’s show is brought to you by longtime freak Brit of a Cunt (aka Disco Bob Ross). Thanks for the support and Dawson suggestions!
🎧 Support Distorted View: Become a Sideshow member for exclusive episodes, bonus segments, and extra stupidity all week long. Sign up here or via Patreon.
📞 Voicemail: 206-666-4463 (standard) or first-priority line for $5+ patrons.

From MAGA to Microdick: Getting Litigious Over Presidential Penis

On Today’s Show:
🎥 DV Monday Night Movie of the Week: Claws for Alarm — a chance encounter leads to love, implants, antennules, lobster hands, and the terrifying Longostino case.
👵 Grandma insists on being eaten out — and yes, it’s just as horrifying as it sounds.
🍔 A McDonald’s patron learns a hard lesson after throwing liquid at someone. Spoiler: he gets his ass kicked multiple times.
🎤 Linda Finkel Hall of Fame Nominee: meet Lovixian and his awkward beachside love ballad.
🍑 Porn stars say the damnedest things — from sliding down dicks like playground equipment to grandma gum jobs.
🌮 Taco Bell’s AI drive-thru is as broken as the ice cream machine at McDonald’s.
📺 South Park skewers Trump as a Satan-loving power bottom with a microscopic peeny. Could legal action follow?
Episode Sponsor:
Thanks to DV listener Namesake Jake for sponsoring today’s show!
Shoutout to Brad Carter and the Prankcast.com community — live prank calls almost every night.
Hear one of Brad’s chicken-selling phone freakouts featured today.
Voicemails:
🎇 Fireworks ruin Tim’s dog’s ability to poop.
🏠 Freak reports on Cleveland’s infamous “Ninja Realtor.”
🥣 Cookie Crisp isn’t what it used to be.
🎶 Listener requests Tim put Carbon Chaperone and other DV songs on Spotify.
Links & Extras:
Check Out Prankcast.com
Claws for Alarm — not a real film, but it should be.
Today’s bonus segment for Sideshow freaks will drop later today. Tomorrow’s episode is Sideshow-exclusive.

FIXED AUDIO - How to Ruin Your Life With a Box of Dildos

On Today’s Show
Listener Sponsorship: Big thanks to today’s sponsor, Freeloading Fucktard, who has bravely requested an episode free of body fluids (we’ll see how long that lasts).
Opening Rant: A furious homeowner curses out a mortgage company, invoking stomach cancer, hexes, and dildo-headed ass wipers. Truly inspirational.
Linda Finkel Hall of Fame: A woman butchers “I Will Always Love You” in multiple vocal styles—ranging from sheep bleating to clenched-jawed farm animal screeches.
Incels at the Door: Another “nice guy” loses his mind when a woman won’t be his friend. Spiritual disturbances and Mario Kart invites ensue.
Fish Fry Frenzy: 6’6”, 350-lb Bill Wist tries to bankrupt Chuck’s Place with an “all-you-can-eat” fish fry. When they cut him off, he pickets the restaurant with a cardboard box sign and calls the cops.
Mom vs. Daughter: Round 9,382: A narcissistic mom and her freeloader daughter scream over dirty dishes, rent, and real estate agents. Plates are optional, but plastic cups are forever.
Fucked Up News:
Washington State: A forklift driver tries to drag a bikini barista through a drive-thru window. (Spoiler: he paid with his credit card. Smooth move.)
UK: Police officers raid a woman’s home, play with her sex toys, and end her marriage. The cops walk away with “reflective practice.” She gets £3,500 and a reputation as a dildo connoisseur.
Listeners weigh in on bowel movements, janky air conditioners, and clone-a-willies.
Unicorn Hamster, as always, is horny. Parmesan cheese fetish, anyone?
Become a Sideshow member for bonus episodes and exclusives.
Support DV on Patreon for extra perks (and occasional surprise merch).
Sponsor an episode for just $25—your name, your rules (or your lack of rules).

How to Ruin Your Life With a Box of Dildos

On Today’s Show
Listener Sponsorship: Big thanks to today’s sponsor, Freeloading Fucktard, who has bravely requested an episode free of body fluids (we’ll see how long that lasts).
Opening Rant: A furious homeowner curses out a mortgage company, invoking stomach cancer, hexes, and dildo-headed ass wipers. Truly inspirational.
Linda Finkel Hall of Fame: A woman butchers “I Will Always Love You” in multiple vocal styles—ranging from sheep bleating to clenched-jawed farm animal screeches.
Incels at the Door: Another “nice guy” loses his mind when a woman won’t be his friend. Spiritual disturbances and Mario Kart invites ensue.
Fish Fry Frenzy: 6’6”, 350-lb Bill Wist tries to bankrupt Chuck’s Place with an “all-you-can-eat” fish fry. When they cut him off, he pickets the restaurant with a cardboard box sign and calls the cops.
Mom vs. Daughter: Round 9,382: A narcissistic mom and her freeloader daughter scream over dirty dishes, rent, and real estate agents. Plates are optional, but plastic cups are forever.
Fucked Up News:
Washington State: A forklift driver tries to drag a bikini barista through a drive-thru window. (Spoiler: he paid with his credit card. Smooth move.)
UK: Police officers raid a woman’s home, play with her sex toys, and end her marriage. The cops walk away with “reflective practice.” She gets £3,500 and a reputation as a dildo connoisseur.
Listeners weigh in on bowel movements, janky air conditioners, and clone-a-willies.
Unicorn Hamster, as always, is horny. Parmesan cheese fetish, anyone?
Become a Sideshow member for bonus episodes and exclusives.
Support DV on Patreon for extra perks (and occasional surprise merch).
Sponsor an episode for just $25—your name, your rules (or your lack of rules).

King Cucumber Gets Lost In Queen’s Coochie Cave

🎙️ On Today’s Episode:
Tip Rage: Tim breaks down tipping culture run amok, from fast-casual counter service to smoothie apps demanding gratuities for handing you your own order.
Dasher Corey’s Downfall: A pizza delivery caught on a Ring cam ends with “fuck you” and a lost job.
Scott Wolf Family Meltdown: The Party of Five star’s messy divorce, custody battle, and TikTok chaos courtesy of his ex-wife.
Valentina Gomez Returns: The far-right flamethrower queen is back with Quran-burning theatrics and political ambitions.
Meade Watch: Skelton mysteriously deletes videos, admits Trump isn’t his father (probably), and backtracks on his weight-loss progress.
Norma Lee’s Hidden Hits: From “Hannah Banana” to “Ask Jesus” and “I Am Not a Douchebag,” Tim uncovers more offbeat musical treasures.
Sex & Produce: Russian woman hospitalized after a king cucumber mishap. Tim dives into cucumber science (burpless varieties!) and the joys of flared bases.
Florida Man Love Gone Wrong: Porn-watching mid-sex sparks an argument, leading to a headbutt and felony charges.
Mouthy Broad deep-dives into Lori Vallow/Daybell’s cult killings.
Freak nostalgia: Old-school DV episodes were fast-paced—should Tim bring back the classic intro music?
Rage triggers: mechanical keyboards and crinkly Sun Chips bags.
A listener accidentally uses DV to get attention from a passing white woman.
Adam & Eve – Use promo code FREAK at checkout for 50% off almost any item + 10 free gifts + free shipping.
Distorted View Sideshow – Get exclusive episodes, bonus segments, and access to Tim’s madness. ⁠Sign up today!⁠
Listener Sponsorships – For just $25, sponsor the show and hear your name (or anything you want) on DV.
📞 Listener Voicemails:🛒 Sponsors & Support:

Welcome To IHOP, I'll Be Your Lesbian Predator

On Today’s Show:
Mourning the loss of another beloved U-tard: King Cobra JFS has passed away
A religious drummer goes rogue and turns praise music into a personal drum solo
A hot dog–costumed woman takes revenge with toilet paper
An IHOP waitress moonlights as a lesbian predator on the job
Episode Sponsor: Thanks to Haley’s Comet for sponsoring today’s stupidity and praising DV’s commitment to hard-hitting “porn news journalism.” Want to sponsor? Just $25 via PayPal at show@distortedview.com.
🎶 Musical Oddities
Tim revisits Pure Hypochondria, marking its one-year anniversary—stream it on Spotify, Apple Music, and beyond.
Opening track: Semen Latte, inspired by Pastor Manning’s Starbucks rant and a true DV classic.
🪦 RIP King Cobra JFS
DV pays tribute to the legendary YouTuber known for his drunken mead-making, Taco Bell devotion, and bizarre live streams.
Audio highlights include Cobra’s “deathbed” complaints, Taco Bell philosophy, and his ill-fated relationship with Jessica Messica.
Cause of death? Possibly bad homemade booze… or just Cobra being Cobra.
🎤 Cringe Performances
Corey Feldman mangles Stand By Me with Jerry O’Connell.
A church band’s drummer hijacks worship to bang for Christ like Animal from The Muppets.
🚔 Cop Cam Chaos
Body cam footage captures two unruly women who insist “you’re not going to arrest us.” Spoiler: they are arrested.
One claims to be an Attorney General, demands body cams be shut off, flees, cries, then demon-screams.
Fallout: Rhode Island’s AG office suspends her without pay for the outburst.
🍳 Florida Follies
IHOP Predator: A waitress in St. Petersburg harasses and gropes a 51-year-old woman mid-pancake run.
Hot Dog Revenge: A drunk woman in a wiener suit vandalizes her neighbor’s car with toilet paper.
📞 Listener Voicemails
Freak commentary on slow-witted stadium workers, Gary Puckett’s creepy collab dreams with Mead Skelton, and Unicorn Hamster scouting Sniffies hookups.
Tim reminisces about childhood cereals: Cookie Crisp, Smurf Berry, PB Cap’n Crunch, and more.
📢 Join The Sideshow
Support DV and get exclusive shows all week:
Monday & Wednesday: Bonus segment shows
Tuesday & Thursday: Full-length exclusive episodes
Just $9/month (less with longer plans). Sign up at DistortedView.com, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or Patreon.
Closing Thought:“You’re not going to arrest us.”— Every drunk woman ever, right before being handcuffed.

Semen Tainted Flutes Revisited

On Today’s Show:
Alexis K. Tyler Claps Back: The queen of sexual wisdom tears into a critic with nipple-pulling, grease-rubbing fury.
Musical Money Shots: A California music teacher accused of coating kids’ flutes with semen. (Yes, the instruments. Yes, the children played them.)
Slip-Dick Legislation: Texas lawmakers try to ban your husband’s penis from accidentally “slipping” into the wrong hole. Sodomy laws meet laugh tracks.
Bathroom AC Unit of Doom: Tim’s DIY air conditioning setup may cool him down—or electrocute him mid-shower.
Clown Wars: Meet Lil Lunchbox, a positivity-spouting, slam-poetry clown who got into a brawl over butchering Linkin Park karaoke.
Florida Woman Rage: A 65-year-old hurls glass bowls and slices up a boyfriend’s body pillow during post-wine intimacy.
Head Trauma Girl: After a car accident, an 8-year-old can only communicate through fart-related vocabulary. (“I farted.”)
French Gooner on a Train: Woman films a 75-minute public masturbation session, only to risk facing harsher penalties than the jerker himself.
Plus:
The Dildo Diaries and Texas’ absurd “six-dildo limit”
“Constructive touching” explained in the worst way possible
Dr. Leonard’s catalog massagers (a.k.a. grandma’s vibrators)
Voicemails about foreskin bragging rights, cheese buildup, and the Church of Debra