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Teacher Known as “Mr. Pedophile” Busted For...Well, You Know...

On Today's Show:
💥 When your work nickname is Mr. Pedophile, it might be time for a new profession… or, you know, prison.
💊 A redneck meltdown at CVS: “Only queer pharmacists give out gel caps!” Real men take tablets, apparently.
🎮 Nintendo nerds discover a controller pairing sound and lose their collective minds. (It’s just beeps, you virgins.)
🧠 TikTok Munchausen Update™: Deaf, autistic, Hispanic, Jewish… and now, wheelchair-bound! Collect 'em all!
💡 Dating for Smash Bros. fans—what could possibly go wrong? (Spoiler: Nintendo lawyers happened.)
🚗 Drunk woman stuck in a ditch refuses to give up, flees, and becomes an accidental NASCAR driver before the cops smash her window and learn her name is... Awesome Blossom.
🎵 Musical Moments:
✝️ Jesus vs. Satan slam poetry
🎶 A soulful ballad about anime girls and their “big fat tits”
🎵 The unofficial Wii Shop theme remix that may or may not land Tim in IP jail
🧴 Also in this Episode:
👮 Police bodycam insanity featuring a screeching, confused DUI suspect who may or may not work for the police department herself.
🐷 A massage parlor in Florida lives up to every sleazy stereotype and then some. Customers walked in for a back rub and walked out molested.
🐷 Pig Norm update! He’s still alive, still suckling from tit cups, and still being the hero we don’t deserve.
📞 Listener Voicemails:
🎁 A mysterious package is en route to Tim’s P.O. Box
🏠 Listeners buy houses, travel the world, and offer Tim a couch (or blowie)
🎙️ Soundbite suggestions: "He nutted on my leg" joins the intro clip pool!
📢 Programming Note:
🚗 Tim’s heading to Ashtabula, so Monday will feature a Best Of episode. New content will drop later in the day—stay tuned!
💸 Support the Show:
💎 Sign up for the Sideshow! Get full-length exclusive episodes every week!
🍏 Subscribe via Apple Podcasts or Spotify (search Distorted View Daily inside the app for bonus access).
🤑 Patreon.com/distortedview – pledge and get special voicemail privileges!
📬 Mailbag & Contact:✉️ show@distortedview.com📬 P.O. Box 36268, Cincinnati, OH 45236📞 Voicemail: 206-666-4463 (206-66-OH-GOD)
Quote of the Day:
"Don't fucking douche my fucking legs!" – Drunk Ditch Lady, 2025
 
00:00:00
Introduction
01:54:16
Adult Nintendo Fans Are Weird
07:10:11
Adult Pokemon Dorks Are The Worst Too
10:07:11
The Most Annoying Internet Illness Faker Is Driving Me Crazy
13:55:16
Panic At The Pharmacy Over Gelcaps
16:31:09
Drunk Woman Stuck In A Ditch
26:24:05
Sign Up For The Sideshow!
27:39:00
Super Smash Dating
31:28:08
Your Teacher Today Will Be Mr. Pedophile
36:42:10
Getting Naked With Your Massage Clients
41:15:19
Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Her Titty Milk Brought All the Creeps to the Yard

On the show today:
🧼 The shocking story of a woman too “disabled” to brush her teeth—but not too disabled to record 75 TikToks a day begging for cash
💥 When street festivals go too far: a woman GTA’s her way through a parade route because she had to get to work
📱 Phone screen repairs turn into hostage negotiations
💸 Capitalism is evil… unless it means getting free money from followers
🐮 Amazon delivery driver drops more than just packages on customers' lawns—happy Mother’s Day!
☕️ A Greek woman asks ChatGPT to read her husband’s coffee grounds. The AI accuses him of cheating. Divorce ensues.
👶 A man films a woman breastfeeding on a bus, justifying it by shouting, “I’m English!” (bold move, perv)
🎵 Four new Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nominees, including:
Depressing spoken-word music therapy
A Tears in Heaven duet no one asked for
Rayon Bass, the lo-fi king of creepy croons
A Linkin Park cover that emotionally collapses on impact
🧙‍♂️ Plus:
Tim gets a palm reading from ChatGPT and is told he’ll possibly live a long life—how reassuring!
Discussion of knitters with ‘tude: Cincinnati’s KWA, straight outta Joann’s!
Voicemails from freaks who only call in to correct Tim’s tiny mistakes. You monsters.
🔒 Sideshow Freaks get even more content with a bonus segment later today and a full-length exclusive episode dropping tomorrow! Support the show and sign up now at ⁠distortedview.com⁠!
00:00:00
 Introduction
02:43:06
 My Problems With Parades, Festivals, And Fun
05:49:13
 Woman Drives Through Street Fair
09:43:24
 Idiot Child Gets Locked In Store After Theft Attempt
14:50:01
 Too Disabled To Brush Teeth And Shower
20:45:00
 Linda Finkle Hall Of Famers
26:38:12
 Sign Up For The Sideshow!
29:17:01
 Amazon Mother's Day Turd Delivery
32:12:12
 Fortune Telling AI Convinces Woman To Divorce
36:01:24
 Chat-GPT Gives Me Palm Reading
38:30:09
 Recording Women Breastfeeding In Public For Da Spank Bank 
42:36:24
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Pop Me Daddy - Balloon Lovers Get Freaky With The Squeaky

🎈 Balloon Squeaks & Baklava Reeks
🎈 Squeaky sex with balloon fetishists, including a true “Lunar’s Lunar” who makes love to latex while offering DIY netting tips
🐉 A dragon-being alien ambassador offers $10K meet-and-greets with blue extraterrestrials (no refunds, obviously)
👨‍⚕️ My 600-Pound Life star Stephen Asante returns looking Amish and acting feral—ranting, shitting, and threatening nurses from his hospital bed
💨 HungerFF's Brolapse podcast explores what it’s like when your prolapse takes steam breaks and dips in toilet water
🧴 Tim is being stalked by pistachio-scented products: car fresheners, baklava body sprays, and other nutty fragrances
🍪 Mrs. Butterworth is thicc, and possibly filled with horse pee—shout out to Palm Beach County!
🔥 Woman sets lifelong friend ablaze for telling her to make scones (he dared her… bad move, bro)
🌌 More wild tales from the Conscious Life Expo: flat earthers, dragons, and intergalactic MLMs
💥 New York official shoots DoorDash driver for using his driveway—because America is extremely emotionally stable right now
⚔️ A man armed with a high-quality lightsaber attacks a mom and her daughter, then blames rent increases. Jedi he is not.
☎️ Voicemails include a gay love scandal involving a wealthy girlfriend’s male relative and a poorly timed vacation hookup
🔗 Links Mentioned:
Pistachio Baklava Cologne (yes, really)
Brolapse podcast clips
DV Mail Unboxing Video 🎁
NoCapOnGod’s Conscious Life Expo interviews
🧠 Get More DV!Join the freaks on the Sideshow for exclusive full-length episodes, bonus shows, and private RSS feeds. Sign up via the site, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or through Patreon.
🎙️ Support the Show
Patreon.com/DistortedView – Get merch, voicemail priority, and more!
DV Beanies & Car Magnets are shipping now!
00:00:00
Introduction
01:37:23
Pistachio Cologne
05:04:03
Steven Asanti Is Back And Toothless
09:33:17
Danging Your Prolapsed Butt In The Toilet Bowl
13:38:14
Anti-Porn / Porn Mashup
15:09:13
The Sounds Of Looner-bation
20:24:00
Interviews From The Coo-Coo Crazy UFO Expo
24:50:04
Sign Up For The Sideshow!
27:13:13
Lost Door Dasher Gets Shot At
35:41:07
Dousing Your Bestie In Gasoline and Setting Him Ablaze
40:50:24
Dork Vader Lightsabers A 7 Year Old
44:04:01
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Taking Home Gold In The Masturbation Olympics

On Today's Show:
On Today’s Show:We’re ending the week with a slathering of slop and sexual dysfunction! First up, an update on the original “Fat Man” of YouTube—turns out he scammed his own father out of $30,000 for scratch-offs and is now grounded like a 40-year-old teen. Then, we check in with the Manifesto of a Pornosexual, a man who treats edging like an Olympic sport and has a 19-hour personal best. God help us.
Also: A panicked mom has a meltdown while merely riding across the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, and Tim floats the idea of strapping Mead Skelton into a car and filming his own anxiety attack on the same bridge (someone start a GoFundMe). We also cover girth-enhancing dick fillers—yes, Cock-tox is real—and revisit a disgraced doctor who claimed his spycam fetish was due to penis-related body dysmorphia. Dude, there are injections for that now.
Plus:
Jennifer Murphy is back with another culturally tone-deaf music video, this time about being a matador.
A Karen protecting the Breaking Bad house from unwanted Little Caesars deliveries has a full-blown pizza-related breakdown.
Frontier Airlines goes full “customer service from hell” in a now-viral video.
Happy birthday to Joey, Tim’s longtime friend and OG co-host of DV!
A couple voicemails: MS69 cartel alerts, tick bite follow-ups, and Tim forgets about his listener packages (again).
 
00:00:00
Introduction
02:59:09
An Original Fatman Update!
07:51:19
A Woman Freaks Out Crossing A Bridge
12:45:03
A Pornosexual's Manifesto
19:50:14
I Want To Be Neenja Idiot Has Returned For A Sequel
24:39:04
Harassing The Woman Who Lives In The Breaking Bad House
29:36:05
Like Distorted View? Please Consider Supporting It!
30:44:21
Bitchy Employees As Frontier Airlines
35:45:19
Plumping Up Your Penis Has Never Been Easier!
39:52:10
Filming Dudes In The Restroom To Compare Dick Size
43:54:09
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

An Intimate Conversation With A Poop Connoisseur

On Today's Show:
Tim’s Rant: Trump’s New Holidays
Topic: Trump’s declaration of two new non-federal holidays: Victory Day for World War I (November 11) and Victory Day for World War II (May 8).
Key Points:
Tim criticizes the redundancy of military holidays, noting May is already National Military Appreciation Month.
Mocks the lack of days off: “You will celebrate those days just like you celebrate K-9 Veterans Day by forgetting it even fucking exists.”
Compares the lack of initiative for military holiday celebrations to the vibrant organization of Gay Pride events.
Humorous aside about his dad’s military service and potential infidelity during the Cuban Missile Crisis.
Audio Clips: Explicit and Absurd
Awkward Daddy Sex Talk:
Clip from a porn video titled A Drunk Daddy Fucks His Teenage Son on the Floor.
Features cringeworthy dialogue, including a misunderstanding where “fucking me like a pussy” is mistaken as an insult.
Notable lines: “You’re gonna make me a girl” and “Take that white dick cock. Just kidding.”
Tim’s commentary: Advises practicing verbal sex talk or staying quiet to avoid embarrassment.
Egg-Laying Fetish:
A man, under his mistress’s orders, acts like a chicken and “lays an egg” (defecates).
Tim jokes about the man “shitting out a gold mine” given high egg prices.
Andy the Shit Eater:
A Florida man, Andy, confesses to enjoying scat play, including eating human and dog feces.
Tim calls Andy live, discussing logistics of mailing poop (e.g., using Tupperware or Ziploc bags, overnight shipping to keep it fresh).
Andy’s preferences: Firm logs, no dog piss, open to live-streamed unboxing of mailed feces.
Tim humorously offers to send a “shit care package” with his and his dogs’ feces.
Queen Sheba’s Extreme Smothering:
Clip from I Can’t Hear You featuring Queen Sheba smothering a man with her weight, bouncing on his face.
Tim notes the victim’s flailing and the bed’s strain, joking about the fart-like sounds and the man’s possible seizure from oxygen deprivation.
Available in EFUCK’s Camtastrophes #16 compilation.
News Stories
Trump-Themed Eatery Fails in Australia:
Bueno Eatery in Sydney closes after six weeks, owned by Mark DaCosta, a former Australian Idol contestant.
DaCosta’s previous cafe, Hale & Hardy, was a vegan Donald Trump “safe zone,” alienating its audience.
Tim mocks DaCosta’s business sense, noting his MAGA-themed antics and homophobic remarks scared off customers.
DaCosta blames “snowflakes” and plans a song release to offend critics further.
Men Shaving Eyelashes for Masculinity:
A TikTok trend where men trim or shave eyelashes to avoid looking “feminine.”
Tim finds it ironically feminine, citing risks like eye irritation or injury.
Mentions J.D. Vance’s viral eyeliner controversy, “debunked” by George Santos.
Cultural pressure and macho influencers drive the trend, despite eyelashes’ protective function.
Meth Raccoon in Ohio:
Springfield Township police find a raccoon, Chewy, with a meth pipe during a traffic stop.
The driver, a 55-year-old woman, faces drug charges; Chewy’s ownership is under investigation.
Tim dubs Ohio the “Florida of the North,” complete with a jingle: “Ohio, land of corn and crime.”
Voicemails
Davide:
Laughs about accidentally playing a clip of Unicorn Hamster proclaiming “I am the alpha male” at work via Bluetooth.
Questions the need to declare alpha status, suggesting Unicorn Hamster has something to prove.
In a second call, angrily calls Unicorn Hamster a “dumb fucking faggot” for defending his honor.
Lars from California:
Discusses the “Hawkeye Suck” video from a prior episode, arguing it’s porn marketed to women, not gay or straight men.
Suggests women prefer porn with hot guys, average women, and female domination, fitting the video’s style.
Support the Show
Sideshow Membership:
$9/month or less with quarterly/yearly/lifetime plans.
Includes exclusive full-length episodes (Tuesdays/Thursdays) and bonus segments (5-20 minutes).
Sign up at distortedview.com, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.
Patreon:
Pledges start at $1; $5+ grants access to a priority voicemail line.
patreon.com/distortedview
Contact:
Email: show@distortedview.com
Voicemail: 206-666-4463
Social: @distortedview on Twitter/Instagram
00:00:00
Introduction
02:06:17
Trump Fumbles On His Newest US Holidays
07:49:02
Awkward Verbal Gay Dad Sex
12:01:09
Laying An Egg For Your Mistress
12:45:14
Human And Dog Shit Eater Andy Has Something To Say
16:44:03
Calling Dirty Butt Lover Andy On The Phone
24:37:00
Epic Face Smothering
27:40:01
Sign Up For The Sideshow!
29:35:22
Australian MAGA Stores Aren't Doing So Well
36:07:13
Male Eylashes As Gay And Feminine. SHAVE THEM.
39:51:18
A Raccoon Smoking A Meth Pipe
42:51:23
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

The Motivational Power of a Finger in the Butt

Today on the show:
Meade Skelton serenades us with a shockingly honest confession to credit card abuse in his new song, Daddy’s Credit Card
The power of butthole fingering as a motivational tool
A Florida woman weaponizes her bowels in a road rage incident (yep, someone shat on a car hood)
Tim unveils his vision for "Legal-Sized Bread" — the revolutionary new loaf that threatens Big Bread’s status quo
A neighbor with a taste for chaos assaults a house with a can of corn (and yes, he pleads the fifth preemptively)
Plus, we dive deep into the surprisingly vast world of grandpa porn (yes, there’s a Twitter account for that)
Also Featuring:
A jingle for Legal-Sized Bread that slaps way harder than it should
Open house foot fondling, and why Florida realtors are covering their toes
Delco drama: Woman blames IBS and karma for defecating on a vehicle
Taser-resistant Florida man defies all logic and voltage during an arrest
Trouble and Mrs. "Not Nothing" steal sand in the most polite way possible
📞 Voicemail Shenanigans: DV freaks weigh in on Minecraft movies, Ben Affleck’s autistic performance, and public access sleaze pioneer Al Goldstein.
🫓 Sideshow Freaks: Bonus audio is dropping today, and tomorrow’s full-length episode is exclusive to Sideshow members. Sign up now to get all the filth and fun.
00:00:00
 Introduction
02:05:01
 Lanky Loaf Bread
04:59:05
 Meade's New Song All About His Credit Card Fraud
10:05:03
 Grandpa Teaches You A Lesson (And Other Weird Erotic Old Man Scenes)
15:39:23
 Man Feeds On Taser / Refuses To Go Down
21:07:18
 Elderly Thieves Caught In The Act Of Stealing Sand
27:54:05
 Sign Up For The Sideshow!
29:37:05
 Road Rage Ends In Car Hood Covered In Human Poop
35:10:09
 Open House Foot Fondler
39:49:10
 Watch Out! This Can Of Corn Will Cream Ya!
42:29:17
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

AI Down Syndrome Porn And The 20 Year Jock Itch

Happy Friday, freaks! We're capping off the week with a steaming pile of absurdity, degenerate news, and poorly-aged country music interviews.
On Today’s Program:
🍝 Murder Most Doughy: Introducing the "Pretzel Man" in our matinee movie feature, Twisted (1977) — a serial killer leaving bodies tied up like human bread knots.
🎤 David Allan Coe Unplugged (And Unfiltered): Outlaw country legend shares his thoughts on love, sex, multiple wives, eating out (but never butt), and what femininity meant in prison. It's horrifyingly honest.
🤖 Downsy Thirst Traps: AI face filters are giving women that extra-chromosome glow... and it’s somehow becoming a porn niche. Tim investigates this disturbingly popular new kink.
💦 Jock Itch Saga: The OnlyFans Chapter: TikToker "Joe" shares a crusty update on his 20-year groin rash, now monetized through adult content. Spoiler: it's still itchy, and he's not that well-endowed.
🍟 Drive-Thru Meltdown: A McDonald’s parking lot freakout ends in racism, fraud, and viral justice. One loudmouth loses her job at Bud’s Lounge — and not just because of her taste in chicken nuggets.
🍧 Fifth Grade Fireball: A Texas mom is arrested for spiking a school Christmas party with alcoholic Jell-O shots. Several kids puked. One kid reportedly saw God.
💰 Florida Powerball Winner Kicks Cop in Face: A white trash Cinderella story — 167 million dollars and still fighting at the Tradewinds bar. Jail time was inevitable.
✈️ RFK Jr. vs. Chemtrails: The new HHS Secretary goes full tinfoil on Dr. Phil Primetime, vowing to crack down on the CIA’s invisible piss-cloud agenda.
Also On the Show:
Tim reminisces about his rage toward slow-turning elderly drivers.
An audio tribute to old ladies lighting themselves on fire.
Listeners weigh in on emoji hair politics, Quarantine Poon, and David Allan Coe’s jailbait aesthetic.
🎧 Sideshow Freaks Get More:Support DV and unlock bonus shows, full-length episodes, and mini-podcasts at https://www.distortedview.comNow available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts!
Voicemail Line:📞 206-666-4463 (“Oh God, that's…” you know the rest)Want priority playback? Pledge at least $5 on Patreon.
🎁 Want to send Tim weird stuff?DV P.O. Box 36268Cincinnati, OH 45236
 
00:00:00
Do You Know The Pretzel Man? / Introduction
02:55:20
An X Rated Interview With A Country Singer
10:36:24
The Face Filter That Makes You Look Like You Have Down Syndrome
15:36:12
Super Jock Itch Continues
20:48:09
Showdown At McDonalds
27:41:04
Sign Up For The Sideshow
29:24:22
Doing Jello Shots At The Elementary School Christmas Party
34:10:18
America's Newest Millionaire Is Straight Up Trash
40:19:04
RFK Jr. Is Tackling Chemtrails
46:43:18
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Plant-Based Bestiality: For The Vegan Animal Lover

On Today’s Episode:Tim wrestles with a disturbing dream where he becomes the world’s most racist supervillain, Malario, a mosquito-shooting menace bent on African domination. Also, Dove thinks your emojis aren't inclusive enough, and Tim has thoughts. Spoiler: He’s not thrilled about customizing tiny cartoon faces.
Plus:
Morning Rituals Gone Wrong: Are we really drinking other people's abortions? One podcaster thinks so—and she brought soundbites.
Snorlax Returns: Not the Pokémon, but the slime-loving rapper who believes he’s President of the U.S. and wants to normalize plant-based bestiality and holographic Kleenex.
Public Bathroom Drama: Police remove a woman from a restaurant restroom after a one-hour standoff that ends with makeup application, mascara whining, and jail.
Thermostat Wars: An 87-year-old Florida man is arrested for shoving his wife during a heated argument over the A/C.
Hatfishing Exposed: When dating app deception goes follicular. Tim explains the psychological horror of discovering a bald dome in the heat of passion.
Voicemails Today:
Listeners debate the legal and ethical complications of Cake and Cunnilingus Day
A freak ponders whether estimating your poop length should be considered a competitive sport
00:00:00
Introduction
01:39:03
My African Super Villain Origin Story
07:31:21
A Campaign To Get Black Women Hair On Emojis
12:13:14
Sipping On Abortion Water
15:22:09
Our Favorite Slime Freak Is Back!
21:24:22
Police Footage Of Girla Using The Restrooma
28:46:10
Sign Up For The Sideshow
30:19:13
Domestic Violence Over A Thermostat
36:13:19
A Mile High Public Shitter
39:12:05
Hatfishing - Bald Men Trickery
44:45:24
Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending