Taylor Swift Got Dickmatized By That Good Wood

Main Segments

1) Brad Carter Prank-Crimes… featuring “Tim Henson from Distorted View”

• Snow Plow Show Ep. 889: “The Dings Are Never Ending.”

• Brad keeps name-dropping Tim during fake “dinged your car” calls in Cincinnati, alleging Tim was handcuffed to a side mirror and tried to Slim-Jim a car for loose change.

• Callers threaten lawsuits; Brad doubles down by repeating “Tim Henson… Distorted View.”

• Tim’s take: thanks(?) for the promo, but also: I’M NOT INVOLVED, YOUR HONOR.

• (Tim will link the Snow Plow Show episode in the post.)

2) Bodycam Gold: “I Work for an Alarm Company… I Don’t Have a Job”

• Bank calls cops on a kid trying to cash a $7,000 check; says a guy named “Cuba” mailed it.

• Can’t recall the company, deletes the DMs, sudden nausea on command, asks if he’s going to jail (answer: probably).

• Charged with passing a forged check; $5,000 bond. Tim’s verdict: Steven Seagal-tier acting.

3) Stephen Dawson vs. The Photoshoppers

• Furious rant about people pasting faces onto his body and vice versa; threats, sputters, and accusations of garden-hose bum play (denied).

• Tim: “Strong words from a very agitated Stephen.”

4) Tay-Tay’s “Good Wood” (Satire, calm down, Swifties)

• Fake-news pop desk: Taylor’s album “The Life of a Showgirl” includes a cheeky track “Wood.”

• Tim premieres his parody earworm: “Good Wood.”

• Lyrical themes: Redwoods, keys opening thighs, ‘amatized’ (allegedly).

• Additional faux-feud gossip with Charli XCX (tongue-in-cheek).

5) Bizarre Crime: “We Love Jesus” Kidnapper Sentenced

• UK case: James Beckett (38) abducts two kids for 18 hours, forcing chants like “We are safe / We love Jesus.”

• Rants about 13 months in a year, energy protection; strands them in rural Devon after running out of gas.

• Recognized from a police appeal; arrested; later pleads guilty.

• Sentence: 12 months (serve ~40%), 5-year restraining order.

Quickies

• Dyslexic fireman ironically starts a fire.

• Tim dusts off the Access Entertainment Hollywood News Insider Report Extra Edition stinger (RIP half the celeb list).

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Community & Voicemails

Today’s hotline is basically Unicorn Hamster FM:

• 80s video store nostalgia: “Video Dimensions / Video Haven / Video Paradise” vs. Tim’s Starlight Video (no porn room!).

• Gaming future & VR porn: Cartridges dying? AR glasses if they stop looking like bug-eyed ski masks. Tim’s Meta Quest collects dust—except for that one demo with Lord Douche.

• Chinese buffet field report: authentic background muzak.

• Self-promo king: Unicorn Hamster reminds the Discord he’s posted lingerie pics (uh… join responsibly).

• Rando caller scolds Unicorn; Unicorn calls again. (Circle of life.)