Hemorrhoid Concealer for the Active Asshole

On the show today:

• “It’s NOT Makeup, Bro”:
  Tim reviews an ultra-macho men’s “not makeup” product called KLYR / Clear – a $60 “concealing cream” for dudes who can’t admit they’re wearing foundation. He breaks down the ad copy, the black “manly” blender sponge upsell, and calculates exactly how much straight guys are willing to pay to not sound “queer” while buying concealer.

• Bung Lush Hemorrhoid Concealer™ Launches:
  Inspired by the Clear grift and celebrity makeup empires, Tim unveils his own luxury cosmetic line: Bung Lush Hemorrhoid Concealer – “for chewed-up looking angry balloon knots.”

  • Fake commercial spot features a bro with an “active asshole” trying to hide his roids before butt-play night.

  • Shade names include: Protein Powder Vanilla, Meat Sweats Pink, Road Rash Red, Barbecue Pit Rust, Bourbon Barrel Blowout, Truck Stop Tobacco, and signature Smoky Starfish.

  • Things end in disaster (and poo), but at least he wasn’t embarrassed by hemorrhoids.

• Tactical Toothbrush Nation:
  A rant on the cursed world of hyper-masculine products for men: Bell & Howell’s endless “TAC” line – tactical flashlights, shavers, and the nine-in-one Tac Pen that’s somehow a writing device, screwdriver, window breaker, strobe light, and whistle to summon your wife for another beer. All wrapped in “military grade” phrasing for guys convinced they’ll someday need to escape a glass coffin in the desert.

• TikTok Jeweler & the “What’s Up, Dude?” Multiverse:
  Tim plays audio from a jeweler’s TikTok where random dudes bring in diamonds to be appraised – including a likely stolen stone worth over $70k. Someone stitched together all the intros, revealing it’s basically the same guy walking in over and over going, “What’s up, dude?” until it sounds like two men trapped in a conversational loop from hell.

• Gas Station Racism & Road Rage Exhaustion:
  Audio of a black woman with extreme, multicolored, floor-length hair ranting about a “weird Indian bitch” and asserting she “can’t be racist” because she’s black in America. Tim then plays a separate parking lot shouting match between a black woman and a Hispanic woman arguing over who caused a near-accident and whether “go back where you need to be” counts as racist. Tim’s main takeaway: everyone involved is exhausting and life is too short to die over a self-checkout or parking lot beef.

• Vince the ShamWow Guy vs. The Woke:
  Remember ShamWow/Slap Chop Vince? Tim recaps his arrest history and failed comedy movies before diving into Vince’s latest reinvention as a right-wing culture warrior.

  • New music video: “Wokebusters” – a Ghostbusters-style anti-trans & anti-DEI song featuring caricatured trans people around kids and a black student fast-tracked into college.

  • Kids on set end up seeing more bare ass in the video shoot than they’d ever see from an actual trans person in a park.

  • The whole thing climaxes with a dedication to Charlie Kirk as “the original Wokebuster.”

• Disney Adults Anthem (Please Seek Help):
  Tim subjects himself (and you) to the new “Disney Adult” anthem being hyped by the Plus Size Park Hoppers. Lyrics about “heroes,” knowing parade choreography, hopping from park to park, and blowing half your yearly salary “for the memories” lead Tim to call for deprogramming camps for Disney-obsessed adults. He’s fine with going to the parks; he just doesn’t want your entire personality to be “monorail and culture via Epcot.”

• Throwback Racist Bits & Mr. Miller’s Sponsorship:
  Listener Mr. Miller sponsors the show and specifically requests the infamous “Mrs. Miller – Negro Connection” bit. Tim explains:

  • Who the real Mrs. Miller was (an unintentionally terrible singer who became a novelty act).

  • How DV discovered hardcore racist message boards back in the day and combined that with Mrs. Miller for a shockingly racist parody of “Rainbow Connection.”

  • Why he largely retired those bits (including the Grandma Jigaboo’s Old Negro Style Waffle Batter commercial), even though he still stands by the satire and intent. Social climate has changed, hardcore racists are louder, and maybe racial social commentary from Tim + Mrs. Miller isn’t what the world needs right now.

• School Fundraisers & Early-Onset Capitalism:
  During voicemails, Tim reminisces about being effectively groomed into MLM-style school fundraisers – selling candy, cheesy ornaments, and weird desk organizers to relatives so some mysterious catalog company could profit, all under the banner of “helping the school.”

• Florida Threesome Flamethrower:
  In the news segment, a woman named Angel Lynn Curl in Clearwater is arrested after a planned threesome with her boyfriend and another woman falls apart. Tim imagines:

  • The boyfriend “focusing on the new pussy” and Angel losing it.

  • Curl allegedly punching her boyfriend repeatedly, a witness watching, and the cops stepping in.

  • A restraining order now conveniently clearing the path for the boyfriend and the third to hook up. Tim openly wonders what really killed the threesome and fantasizes about the old days when landlines made it easy to call these people and ask.

• Self-Checkout Hell at Kroger (Houston):
  Another story features a viral video of a white guy in an Astros cap losing it on a black woman at a Kroger self-checkout. Tim fully sides with hating the self-checkout experience in general:

  • People with full carts who can’t figure out a scanner.

  • Customers who finish paying but just stand there blocking the station.

  • His proposal: a Self-Checkout Certification System where you must pass a test on your phone before you’re allowed to use the machines. Otherwise, back to a human cashier you go.

• Sponsors, Sideshow, & How to Support DV:

  • Final reminder: AdamandEve.com is wrapping up their long DV sponsorship after November – use promo code FREAK for 50% off almost any item, free gifts, and free shipping, including new holiday-themed toys like a Christmas bullet vibe with Santa & snowman toppers.

  • DV Sideshow plug: years of bonus shows, private feed you can plug into most podcast apps, and sign-up options via the website, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.

  • Patreon shout-out at patreon.com/distortedview (special voicemail line, etc.).

  • $25 episode sponsorships via PayPal (show@distortedview.com or paypal.me/distortedview) with custom messages or clips you want played.

• Community Stuff & Voicemails:
  Tim plugs the Level 80 Cat Lady Memorial Secret Santa organized via the DV Discord, thanks listeners who send in clips and links, and plays a few voicemails touching on candy fundraisers, aging references (Hair Club for Men vs. Gen Z), and a caller riffing on race and Obama/Trump.

Tim wraps things up by telling Disney adults to kill themselves (with love), teasing tomorrow’s Sideshow-only episode, and reminding you degenerates to spread the distortion, support the show however you can, and use promo code FREAK at Adam and Eve before it’s gone.